Confession: I am Selfish

Its true. I am shocked and appauled at the recent realization of what I am actually capable of. I find myself idly wondering if I am the only one. I will venture a guess and say "No". I honestly believe that unless you've been in a certain situation yourself, you have no idea what your reaction will be. This adds greatly to my "Not judging others" thing. How can I be disappointed or even dusgusted by someone else's choices, if I've never been them in their exact situation?

I am not above weaknesses and mistakes. I used to think so, on some level. But it seems the more mature I get, the more I realize how much growing I actually have to do. Sigh.

I am disappointed in myself to say the least. I have never been in such a dark and desperate place before. Dark because I am blinded by my own intense need. Not desire, need. Acute to the point of pain. Desperate because these needs have been unmet for far too long.

It feels like being in a desert for an unreasonable amount of time with no water. Apparently, I've lost track of how to tap into the river of living water Christ offers. In this area of my life, anyway. Then, someone comes along with a tall glass of water. You see the condensation on the glass. You can almost taste the cool wet antidote for the thirst that will surely continue to drain your life force until it's gone. At this point, your survival insticts kick in. Will you see or even care who it is holding the glass? Hmmmm...

No excuses. Just an explaination. I have made my share of mistakes. I have been hurt beyond what I thought I could bear, and I have hurt others in ways I never thought I could. The things I have done, and consider doing, just to satiate my own thirst... Well, it's very selfish. And I hardly recognize myself.

Father, please give me the wisdom to tap into your unfailing and unending love in ways I never have before.

Confession: I Love Pig Tails!

I do. I don't know if I'll ever grow out of them. I suppose there are some occasions where they may be inappropriate. Such as a formal occasion, or a funeral perhaps. They should put me in pigtails at my own funeral.

I wonder if turning 30 should change my take on wearing pigtails? It probably wont. I refuse to be limited by the cultural climate. I am growing a new sense of self as I round the corner toward the end of my twenties. It feels great!

Recent Random Rants:

-I think when a network cancels a show, they should provide some closure for those of us that have grown attached to the characters. For instance: My Own Worst Enemy with Christian Slater.

Good show. I thought "Dollhouse" was just a copycat, but apparantly, if the main character is a hot chick rather than a so so looking male actor, well. There you go. And whatever happened to that show, Cupid the mental patient convinced he is the greek God of love? Or Life on Mars, with the cop who goes back in time? They must be pretty lame if they were cancelled, but I liked them. :( How hard would it be for instance, to say "Henry and Edward found a way to live peacably in the same body, happily ever after." Or something like that? oh well. I guess I can just imagine whatever ending I'd like. Or no ending at all. I like it better if in the world of TV make believe, they live on. They continue with their conflicts, struggles, victories and triumphs. I just can't watch them do it anymore.

-Speaking of Edward, don't even get me started on Twilight. He and Bella are alive and well in the world of literature make believe. Raising Renesme, exploring the world, loving each other. Sigh. As I read this back, I am forced to consider the reality that I am addicted to this series. I must be a teeny bopper at heart, I don't know. I just can't get enough. I read the books over and over, relishing every detail I may have missed when reading it previously. It's just important ladies, not to compare this work of fiction to our real lives, as we would almost certainly face constant disappointment. Who can compete with an immortal, unbelievably strong, gorgeous, rich and romantic man the body of a 17 year old and the cedences of someone from the early 1900s? He's fictional. That's my only issue. The vampire thing, not a big deal. But he doesn't exist in the real world. However, he is my favorite escape at the moment...

-Have you ever noticed that you are sexier when you pull your shoulders back and stand up straight? It's true. I did it in the mirror accidentally yesterday. Clavicals are hot. I must be losing some weight because I can actually see mine, and it's, well... Sexy. Check out that bone right below the neck. Yep.

- I had Strep this week. Wow. The body aches and chills that come with the fever were completely incapacitating. I couldn't even function. I felt like a complete zombie. I could barely even swallow my own saliva, my throat was pretty much swollen shut. And you wouldn't believe the horse pills they expect you to swallow. What the heck?! Not to mention the pain of avoiding my two toddlers for three days until I was no longer contagious. They would just stand outside my bedroom door and cry. Antibiotics are amazing. Within about 10 hours I was 60% better. Huge difference. I barely remember the clinic or the doctor I saw, I was so out of it. This has never happened to me before, but: The doctor himself called me the next day to check on me. He was so concerned. W-O-W. We doubled up on the normal dosages of antibiotics and steriods for an anti inflammatory. so now, I'm good.

-Sissy died this week. She got out of the yard, and ran right in front of a Fedex truck. Sad. Honestly, I really wasn't that fond of her, but it makes me sad that she gone. She was part of the family. RIP.

-I watched the movie Julie and Julia last week. I laughed out loud and peed a little. So so cute! I can completely relate to Julie turning 30 and feeling like she needs to do something significant. The scene where she falls on her kitchen floor, in the food she spilled, throwing a fit... So me. I would highly recommend this movie. Her blog is definitely more successful than mine will ever be, I'm no writer. I just find this outlet to be rather cleansing.

Confession: I am Struggling

I am alot of things. I wrote a poem expressing this. I even read it at an Open Mic night in a coffee shop downtown. It went really well.

I am
By Stephanie Richard

I am an Artist
Contained by walls of true and false responsibility

I am beautiful
Beneath the weight I carry

I am a mother
Though, my children do not define me

I am Young
Behind the wheel of my minivan

I am Strong
But that only lasts so long

I am an absolute Mess
But only when no one is watching

I am authentic
At least, I so intensely want to be

I am a Christian
But screw trying to be fake and pretending like I have it all together

I am Hurting
I’m not supposed show it, but the pressure to be everything to everyone and my inability to do so is a self inflicted torture that seems impossible to escape.

I am Angry
May your unrealistic expectations, narrow judgments, and demand for perfection fall back onto your own bare and unburdened shoulders, as I smile and shrug them off

I am Reminded
That though the demands of life are never satisfied, I am a woman. I am a daughter, a sister, a lover, and a friend. Despite all the things I put on, and the intensity of what I carry, apart from my circumstances and even my life, the substance of my significance is the realization that I am me.

It was an awesome turn out, and one more thing to check off of my list.

Confession: I will Fail.

I will.

Watching the football team Maddy cheers for, I was appalled at the coach of the opposing team. He was yelling and screaming at these little boys. Yeah, they were down by like 30 points, but they are like 5th grade for crying out loud! It was just ridiculous. Yelling at the kids, screaming at the ref. They even penalized him, it was so bad. I was so angry, I thought: "You know, those kids should be taught that you can't win all the time. Part of the training should be how to lose with class."

Then, this morning on the way to work, it hit me. While listening to a Miley Cyrus song, for God's sake! "The Climb" I know, kind of cheesy. I was praying, talking to God about my struggle with eating healthy. Confessing what a horrible day I had yesterday. Feeling like I should just give up and start again another time. But there was one verse that she sang while this conversation was going on, and it hit me so hard. "There's always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes you're gonna have to lose. It ain't about how fast you get there, it ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb."

Wow! Sometimes I'm going to lose. It's not always about whether we win or lose, or how long it takes us to overcome something. It's about how we get there. It's about the journey. What we learn and how we grow along the way. Awesome.

I honestly believe I have just jumped a huge hurdle in this journey. Accepting the fact that I am going to fail. I am going to make mistakes. I don't have to let loose and binge every time I make a mistake and then "Start fresh" again on Monday. I can have a fresh start each time I mess up, without having to start over. His mercies are new! Thank you Jesus.

Part of my learning experience is supposed to be how to lose with class.

Confession: I'm getting old.

I am feeling more and more like an old lady these days. My lower back hurts, which is new. I practically can't see without my glasses, I HATE loud music and commercials, and I won't drive more than 5mph over the speed limit. I also found my first grey hair recently. Ugh. Oh another thing: I got Maddy an ipod for her 8th birthday, and I had to ask someone how to adjust the volume on it! Decrepit.

I'm glad I have my list of 29 things to accomplish while I'm 29. It's keeping me busy and distracted from how old I'm actually getting. This Friday, I am checking #5 off my list. This Friday, I am auditioning to sing the National Anthem for The Utah Jazz. I'm sure I won't get called back, but it will be worth a try for the experience. I just checked off #26 Saturday night. (Shared the Gospel with Mormon missionaries.) It went well. As long as I am polite and allow them to share, they do the same for me. Holy Spirit, show me what to say!

Even though in reality, 29 is young, I haven't had much of an opportunity to BE young. I had 4 kiddos by the time I was 27. The good news is I will be a young 45 when all my kiddos are gone. We have a long way to go!

Confession: I Love Being a Working Mom

Don't get me wrong. I LOVED being a stay at home mom. It was the most challenging, the most maddening, the most rewarding and amazing 15 months of my entire life. I was able to Nurse Ethan for 14 months! The level of bonding we experienced was so next level. Awesome! (Let's not even talk about the toll gravity took on my body after nursing kiddo #4. Next level also.)

Now I am back to work with my older two in school full day, and my two toddlers in daycare. (So wierd that Ethan is now a toddler, but it has been proven by his ability to climb out of his crib and into the window sill.) Laney and Ethan come home so HAPPY everyday. They really love it. Even though almost half of my income is going straight to daycare, it's worth it for me to work for several reasons:

Reason# 1. They are getting experiences they wouldn't get at home.

-Not that they're getting better care, but a more eventful and exciting day to day experience. When I checked out the toddler room for the first time, all the guilt I was carrying for wanting to go back to work fell right off of me. They had fingerpaintings hanging on the wall. Fingerpainting. With 12-24 month olds!!! Reality: That would never happen in my house. The director was going over the cirriculum they use for toddlers, (wow) flashcards, books, music, and one on one art. I couldn't believe it! "I never do stuff like that!" I admitted it candidly. And this was the selling point: The daycare has full time administrative personnel, a full time cook, and janitorial staff. "As a mom, you have to answer the phone, pay the bills, do the laundry, cook the meals, run errands, and clean the house. All while taking care of your children. Here, the teachers don't have anything to do but hang out with the kids." I was blown away by the amount of focused, age appropriate attention they were offering my babies.

Reason #2. Adult Conversation:

-Enough said.

Reason #3. I love my job.

-It's Customer Service, which I seem to have a knack for. It's a small company in downtown Salt Lake, with a really laid back atmosphere. REALLY laid back. Everyday by the time I leave, I feel like I've done hundreds of sit ups from laughing so hard. The atmosphere of joking and horseplay is evenly balanced with dedicated hard work and genuine effort toward building up the company. It's awesome. Also, I am right in the Gateway Mall. Starbucks is literally a 3 minute walk, as well as lots of great places to eat and shop. Downtown is beautiful. And my boss rocks! On day one, he walked me to Starbucks and bought me a coffee to sip on while he explained the company policies to me. (This is of course, when I knew it was a God thing.) Here is the attendance policy: (Not that I would take advantage but I have never seen anything like this!) You are counted tardy only if you are more than two minutes late. Each employee is allowed 2 free tardies per month, no questions asked. This is to allow for life to happen. Flat tires, etc. Crazy!!!

Reason #4. Being a part of the world again.

-I appreciate the mundane things I used to hate. Such as listening to news radio on the drive home while sitting in traffic, setting the alarm, and putting some actual effort into the way I look in the mornings. Yes, now I have to actually wear a bra everyday, brush my teeth sometime way before noon, and put make up on. (I'm trying not to do it the car.)

5. Some extra $$$

-It's not much after all the expenses, but it's more than we had. Now we don't have to save and plan for months when there's a birthday, back to school, or a ruined pair of tennis shoes. And we can go home to Washington for Christmas!

Not being in the position that I HAVE to work is nice. I choose to.