Confession: I am Struggling

I am alot of things. I wrote a poem expressing this. I even read it at an Open Mic night in a coffee shop downtown. It went really well.

I am
By Stephanie Richard

I am an Artist
Contained by walls of true and false responsibility

I am beautiful
Beneath the weight I carry

I am a mother
Though, my children do not define me

I am Young
Behind the wheel of my minivan

I am Strong
But that only lasts so long

I am an absolute Mess
But only when no one is watching

I am authentic
At least, I so intensely want to be

I am a Christian
But screw trying to be fake and pretending like I have it all together

I am Hurting
I’m not supposed show it, but the pressure to be everything to everyone and my inability to do so is a self inflicted torture that seems impossible to escape.

I am Angry
May your unrealistic expectations, narrow judgments, and demand for perfection fall back onto your own bare and unburdened shoulders, as I smile and shrug them off

I am Reminded
That though the demands of life are never satisfied, I am a woman. I am a daughter, a sister, a lover, and a friend. Despite all the things I put on, and the intensity of what I carry, apart from my circumstances and even my life, the substance of my significance is the realization that I am me.

It was an awesome turn out, and one more thing to check off of my list.

Confession: I will Fail.

I will.

Watching the football team Maddy cheers for, I was appalled at the coach of the opposing team. He was yelling and screaming at these little boys. Yeah, they were down by like 30 points, but they are like 5th grade for crying out loud! It was just ridiculous. Yelling at the kids, screaming at the ref. They even penalized him, it was so bad. I was so angry, I thought: "You know, those kids should be taught that you can't win all the time. Part of the training should be how to lose with class."

Then, this morning on the way to work, it hit me. While listening to a Miley Cyrus song, for God's sake! "The Climb" I know, kind of cheesy. I was praying, talking to God about my struggle with eating healthy. Confessing what a horrible day I had yesterday. Feeling like I should just give up and start again another time. But there was one verse that she sang while this conversation was going on, and it hit me so hard. "There's always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes you're gonna have to lose. It ain't about how fast you get there, it ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb."

Wow! Sometimes I'm going to lose. It's not always about whether we win or lose, or how long it takes us to overcome something. It's about how we get there. It's about the journey. What we learn and how we grow along the way. Awesome.

I honestly believe I have just jumped a huge hurdle in this journey. Accepting the fact that I am going to fail. I am going to make mistakes. I don't have to let loose and binge every time I make a mistake and then "Start fresh" again on Monday. I can have a fresh start each time I mess up, without having to start over. His mercies are new! Thank you Jesus.

Part of my learning experience is supposed to be how to lose with class.