Confession: I am Struggling

I am alot of things. I wrote a poem expressing this. I even read it at an Open Mic night in a coffee shop downtown. It went really well.

I am
By Stephanie Richard

I am an Artist
Contained by walls of true and false responsibility

I am beautiful
Beneath the weight I carry

I am a mother
Though, my children do not define me

I am Young
Behind the wheel of my minivan

I am Strong
But that only lasts so long

I am an absolute Mess
But only when no one is watching

I am authentic
At least, I so intensely want to be

I am a Christian
But screw trying to be fake and pretending like I have it all together

I am Hurting
I’m not supposed show it, but the pressure to be everything to everyone and my inability to do so is a self inflicted torture that seems impossible to escape.

I am Angry
May your unrealistic expectations, narrow judgments, and demand for perfection fall back onto your own bare and unburdened shoulders, as I smile and shrug them off

I am Reminded
That though the demands of life are never satisfied, I am a woman. I am a daughter, a sister, a lover, and a friend. Despite all the things I put on, and the intensity of what I carry, apart from my circumstances and even my life, the substance of my significance is the realization that I am me.

It was an awesome turn out, and one more thing to check off of my list.

Confession: I will Fail.

I will.

Watching the football team Maddy cheers for, I was appalled at the coach of the opposing team. He was yelling and screaming at these little boys. Yeah, they were down by like 30 points, but they are like 5th grade for crying out loud! It was just ridiculous. Yelling at the kids, screaming at the ref. They even penalized him, it was so bad. I was so angry, I thought: "You know, those kids should be taught that you can't win all the time. Part of the training should be how to lose with class."

Then, this morning on the way to work, it hit me. While listening to a Miley Cyrus song, for God's sake! "The Climb" I know, kind of cheesy. I was praying, talking to God about my struggle with eating healthy. Confessing what a horrible day I had yesterday. Feeling like I should just give up and start again another time. But there was one verse that she sang while this conversation was going on, and it hit me so hard. "There's always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes you're gonna have to lose. It ain't about how fast you get there, it ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb."

Wow! Sometimes I'm going to lose. It's not always about whether we win or lose, or how long it takes us to overcome something. It's about how we get there. It's about the journey. What we learn and how we grow along the way. Awesome.

I honestly believe I have just jumped a huge hurdle in this journey. Accepting the fact that I am going to fail. I am going to make mistakes. I don't have to let loose and binge every time I make a mistake and then "Start fresh" again on Monday. I can have a fresh start each time I mess up, without having to start over. His mercies are new! Thank you Jesus.

Part of my learning experience is supposed to be how to lose with class.

Confession: I'm getting old.

I am feeling more and more like an old lady these days. My lower back hurts, which is new. I practically can't see without my glasses, I HATE loud music and commercials, and I won't drive more than 5mph over the speed limit. I also found my first grey hair recently. Ugh. Oh another thing: I got Maddy an ipod for her 8th birthday, and I had to ask someone how to adjust the volume on it! Decrepit.

I'm glad I have my list of 29 things to accomplish while I'm 29. It's keeping me busy and distracted from how old I'm actually getting. This Friday, I am checking #5 off my list. This Friday, I am auditioning to sing the National Anthem for The Utah Jazz. I'm sure I won't get called back, but it will be worth a try for the experience. I just checked off #26 Saturday night. (Shared the Gospel with Mormon missionaries.) It went well. As long as I am polite and allow them to share, they do the same for me. Holy Spirit, show me what to say!

Even though in reality, 29 is young, I haven't had much of an opportunity to BE young. I had 4 kiddos by the time I was 27. The good news is I will be a young 45 when all my kiddos are gone. We have a long way to go!

Confession: I Love Being a Working Mom

Don't get me wrong. I LOVED being a stay at home mom. It was the most challenging, the most maddening, the most rewarding and amazing 15 months of my entire life. I was able to Nurse Ethan for 14 months! The level of bonding we experienced was so next level. Awesome! (Let's not even talk about the toll gravity took on my body after nursing kiddo #4. Next level also.)

Now I am back to work with my older two in school full day, and my two toddlers in daycare. (So wierd that Ethan is now a toddler, but it has been proven by his ability to climb out of his crib and into the window sill.) Laney and Ethan come home so HAPPY everyday. They really love it. Even though almost half of my income is going straight to daycare, it's worth it for me to work for several reasons:

Reason# 1. They are getting experiences they wouldn't get at home.

-Not that they're getting better care, but a more eventful and exciting day to day experience. When I checked out the toddler room for the first time, all the guilt I was carrying for wanting to go back to work fell right off of me. They had fingerpaintings hanging on the wall. Fingerpainting. With 12-24 month olds!!! Reality: That would never happen in my house. The director was going over the cirriculum they use for toddlers, (wow) flashcards, books, music, and one on one art. I couldn't believe it! "I never do stuff like that!" I admitted it candidly. And this was the selling point: The daycare has full time administrative personnel, a full time cook, and janitorial staff. "As a mom, you have to answer the phone, pay the bills, do the laundry, cook the meals, run errands, and clean the house. All while taking care of your children. Here, the teachers don't have anything to do but hang out with the kids." I was blown away by the amount of focused, age appropriate attention they were offering my babies.

Reason #2. Adult Conversation:

-Enough said.

Reason #3. I love my job.

-It's Customer Service, which I seem to have a knack for. It's a small company in downtown Salt Lake, with a really laid back atmosphere. REALLY laid back. Everyday by the time I leave, I feel like I've done hundreds of sit ups from laughing so hard. The atmosphere of joking and horseplay is evenly balanced with dedicated hard work and genuine effort toward building up the company. It's awesome. Also, I am right in the Gateway Mall. Starbucks is literally a 3 minute walk, as well as lots of great places to eat and shop. Downtown is beautiful. And my boss rocks! On day one, he walked me to Starbucks and bought me a coffee to sip on while he explained the company policies to me. (This is of course, when I knew it was a God thing.) Here is the attendance policy: (Not that I would take advantage but I have never seen anything like this!) You are counted tardy only if you are more than two minutes late. Each employee is allowed 2 free tardies per month, no questions asked. This is to allow for life to happen. Flat tires, etc. Crazy!!!

Reason #4. Being a part of the world again.

-I appreciate the mundane things I used to hate. Such as listening to news radio on the drive home while sitting in traffic, setting the alarm, and putting some actual effort into the way I look in the mornings. Yes, now I have to actually wear a bra everyday, brush my teeth sometime way before noon, and put make up on. (I'm trying not to do it the car.)

5. Some extra $$$

-It's not much after all the expenses, but it's more than we had. Now we don't have to save and plan for months when there's a birthday, back to school, or a ruined pair of tennis shoes. And we can go home to Washington for Christmas!

Not being in the position that I HAVE to work is nice. I choose to.