Confession: I am Selfish

Its true. I am shocked and appauled at the recent realization of what I am actually capable of. I find myself idly wondering if I am the only one. I will venture a guess and say "No". I honestly believe that unless you've been in a certain situation yourself, you have no idea what your reaction will be. This adds greatly to my "Not judging others" thing. How can I be disappointed or even dusgusted by someone else's choices, if I've never been them in their exact situation?

I am not above weaknesses and mistakes. I used to think so, on some level. But it seems the more mature I get, the more I realize how much growing I actually have to do. Sigh.

I am disappointed in myself to say the least. I have never been in such a dark and desperate place before. Dark because I am blinded by my own intense need. Not desire, need. Acute to the point of pain. Desperate because these needs have been unmet for far too long.

It feels like being in a desert for an unreasonable amount of time with no water. Apparently, I've lost track of how to tap into the river of living water Christ offers. In this area of my life, anyway. Then, someone comes along with a tall glass of water. You see the condensation on the glass. You can almost taste the cool wet antidote for the thirst that will surely continue to drain your life force until it's gone. At this point, your survival insticts kick in. Will you see or even care who it is holding the glass? Hmmmm...

No excuses. Just an explaination. I have made my share of mistakes. I have been hurt beyond what I thought I could bear, and I have hurt others in ways I never thought I could. The things I have done, and consider doing, just to satiate my own thirst... Well, it's very selfish. And I hardly recognize myself.

Father, please give me the wisdom to tap into your unfailing and unending love in ways I never have before.

Confession: I Love Pig Tails!

I do. I don't know if I'll ever grow out of them. I suppose there are some occasions where they may be inappropriate. Such as a formal occasion, or a funeral perhaps. They should put me in pigtails at my own funeral.

I wonder if turning 30 should change my take on wearing pigtails? It probably wont. I refuse to be limited by the cultural climate. I am growing a new sense of self as I round the corner toward the end of my twenties. It feels great!

Recent Random Rants:

-I think when a network cancels a show, they should provide some closure for those of us that have grown attached to the characters. For instance: My Own Worst Enemy with Christian Slater.

Good show. I thought "Dollhouse" was just a copycat, but apparantly, if the main character is a hot chick rather than a so so looking male actor, well. There you go. And whatever happened to that show, Cupid the mental patient convinced he is the greek God of love? Or Life on Mars, with the cop who goes back in time? They must be pretty lame if they were cancelled, but I liked them. :( How hard would it be for instance, to say "Henry and Edward found a way to live peacably in the same body, happily ever after." Or something like that? oh well. I guess I can just imagine whatever ending I'd like. Or no ending at all. I like it better if in the world of TV make believe, they live on. They continue with their conflicts, struggles, victories and triumphs. I just can't watch them do it anymore.

-Speaking of Edward, don't even get me started on Twilight. He and Bella are alive and well in the world of literature make believe. Raising Renesme, exploring the world, loving each other. Sigh. As I read this back, I am forced to consider the reality that I am addicted to this series. I must be a teeny bopper at heart, I don't know. I just can't get enough. I read the books over and over, relishing every detail I may have missed when reading it previously. It's just important ladies, not to compare this work of fiction to our real lives, as we would almost certainly face constant disappointment. Who can compete with an immortal, unbelievably strong, gorgeous, rich and romantic man the body of a 17 year old and the cedences of someone from the early 1900s? He's fictional. That's my only issue. The vampire thing, not a big deal. But he doesn't exist in the real world. However, he is my favorite escape at the moment...

-Have you ever noticed that you are sexier when you pull your shoulders back and stand up straight? It's true. I did it in the mirror accidentally yesterday. Clavicals are hot. I must be losing some weight because I can actually see mine, and it's, well... Sexy. Check out that bone right below the neck. Yep.

- I had Strep this week. Wow. The body aches and chills that come with the fever were completely incapacitating. I couldn't even function. I felt like a complete zombie. I could barely even swallow my own saliva, my throat was pretty much swollen shut. And you wouldn't believe the horse pills they expect you to swallow. What the heck?! Not to mention the pain of avoiding my two toddlers for three days until I was no longer contagious. They would just stand outside my bedroom door and cry. Antibiotics are amazing. Within about 10 hours I was 60% better. Huge difference. I barely remember the clinic or the doctor I saw, I was so out of it. This has never happened to me before, but: The doctor himself called me the next day to check on me. He was so concerned. W-O-W. We doubled up on the normal dosages of antibiotics and steriods for an anti inflammatory. so now, I'm good.

-Sissy died this week. She got out of the yard, and ran right in front of a Fedex truck. Sad. Honestly, I really wasn't that fond of her, but it makes me sad that she gone. She was part of the family. RIP.

-I watched the movie Julie and Julia last week. I laughed out loud and peed a little. So so cute! I can completely relate to Julie turning 30 and feeling like she needs to do something significant. The scene where she falls on her kitchen floor, in the food she spilled, throwing a fit... So me. I would highly recommend this movie. Her blog is definitely more successful than mine will ever be, I'm no writer. I just find this outlet to be rather cleansing.