Confession: I am Selfish

Its true. I am shocked and appauled at the recent realization of what I am actually capable of. I find myself idly wondering if I am the only one. I will venture a guess and say "No". I honestly believe that unless you've been in a certain situation yourself, you have no idea what your reaction will be. This adds greatly to my "Not judging others" thing. How can I be disappointed or even dusgusted by someone else's choices, if I've never been them in their exact situation?

I am not above weaknesses and mistakes. I used to think so, on some level. But it seems the more mature I get, the more I realize how much growing I actually have to do. Sigh.

I am disappointed in myself to say the least. I have never been in such a dark and desperate place before. Dark because I am blinded by my own intense need. Not desire, need. Acute to the point of pain. Desperate because these needs have been unmet for far too long.

It feels like being in a desert for an unreasonable amount of time with no water. Apparently, I've lost track of how to tap into the river of living water Christ offers. In this area of my life, anyway. Then, someone comes along with a tall glass of water. You see the condensation on the glass. You can almost taste the cool wet antidote for the thirst that will surely continue to drain your life force until it's gone. At this point, your survival insticts kick in. Will you see or even care who it is holding the glass? Hmmmm...

No excuses. Just an explaination. I have made my share of mistakes. I have been hurt beyond what I thought I could bear, and I have hurt others in ways I never thought I could. The things I have done, and consider doing, just to satiate my own thirst... Well, it's very selfish. And I hardly recognize myself.

Father, please give me the wisdom to tap into your unfailing and unending love in ways I never have before.